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Started as a rant, turned into a ramble
Nov. 28th, 2024 01:49 am
Drinkers unironically make me sick. Drunk people are so so annoying and I don’t find it cool, any of it. I don’t find jokes about how much people love drinking funny. Sometimes when I’m with people who are drunk or drinking I’ll have a moment of realisation and I suddenly look at them with complete disgust and loathing. I don’t think I really like drinking anymore at all. I’ve only drank enough to get drunk once or twice in the last six months. It’s just kind of horrible and disgusting. It tastes disgusting and the thought of someone just drinking and drinking makes me feel disgusted. Also drunk people act really stupid, they’re either loud and annoying or they’re stubborn or they’re angry or they’re all at the same time. It’s also kind of scary how angry drunk people can get. And violent. And the fact that it can kill you and no one seems to care. Like it can kill you pretty quick, it’s not like smoking, if you drink enough in one sitting you’re dead. The other week I kept seeing the same guy sitting on the same bench in garnethill park on my lunch breaks and after college. And he was just sitting alone and he had a carrier bag full of beer and he was just drinking them one after the other, and occasionally he’d shout random things and random people who walked past. It just made me feel pretty disgusted and pretty sorry for him. I also think about my dad and feel pretty disgusted and sorry for him as well. I just remember the last few months when he lived with us, which was probably the worst few months of it. It’s just all he would do. He only worked for like 6 hours four days a week, and literally all he did anytime he wasn’t working was go to the pub or sit at home by himself and drink. I remember in the evenings I’d come into the room he’d just be sitting there on his phone or something with a red face and a glass full of probably straight liquor. Coz I could smell it, even though he tried to hide it. Whenever I was looking around I’d see multiple empty bottles, not even beer or anything just spirits and hard liquor. And like when I saw that, or I guess when I saw that it was hidden I just felt really really disgusted. Like this is an adult man, he’s in his 60s. I’m 17, I should be the one hiding that I drink from him, not the other way round. But obviously I don’t need to hide bottles because I hardly drink and he doesn’t care anyway. That night my sister almost overdosed on mdma when she had literally just turned 15 he was literally in the house as well but obviously he didn’t care because he didn’t know because he was drinking. My mum was at work late to get him money so he could leave, my sister was out late doing class A’s, I had to cook the tea and put my little brothers to bed, and my dad just sat in his room, on his phone, drinking. He didn’t even notice when I went out to collect her from the bus stop at like 11pm. It just made me really scared and really disgusted by him, by someone who’s meant to be responsible for me but instead I’m literally responsible for everyone. Anyway yeah. And obviously I had to deal with it all myself and not tell anyone because I didn’t want to tell my mum because she was already in quite a stressful situation and I knew she’d feel like a massive failure of a parent if she knew what my sister had been doing, and she’d probably treat it as much more of a big deal than it is. And it’s kind of embarrassing to tell your friends these kinds of things. Well I told some of them a bit. Anyway, even though this particular situation, and probably several others are ones that no one else is aware of, as in my mum was out and my dad was drunk so neither of them knew what I had to deal with. Or nights where I had to cook the food and put my brothers to bed even though my dad was in the house and he probably doesn’t remember and he probably doesn’t care and probably no one really thinks it was a big deal for me. And obviously I don’t mind looking after my brothers or whatever and it isn’t really a big deal. But just when it’s every night and no one seems to care and I feel absolutely responsible for absolutely everyone and I feel absolutely completely alone and even though I’m looking after them no one is looking after me even though that’s really stupid like I’m almost an adult I shouldn’t need reminding to eat or whatever but obviously when I kind of stopped in the summer no one really noticed because no one was around or anything and it made me feel really scared and also my sister was out late every night doing dodgey stuff or whatever and she didn’t seem to know or care that she was stressing me out because I was the only one who knew what she was doing and I obviously didn’t want her to die. And during this whole time I kind of isolated myself from my friends and every day I’d get up really late because I wouldn’t want to leave my room if my dad was in the house so I would also avoid the kitchen because that’s where he usually was so I wouldn’t eat or do anything and I kind of unintentionally lost 5kg during that time. And then every single day no matter the time, the moment I managed to leave the house I’d go smoke. And I guess this is kind of cringey but it was kind of an escape for me. So I’d constantly spend all my time high, avoiding absolutely everyone I know, feeling really responsible and really scared and feeling like nothing is real. And to be honest that whole time period is kind of just one big scary blur. Basically it was a really really weird time. Between mid april and late July of 2024.
