Tuesday, 14th November
Nov. 14th, 2024 01:19 pm Absolutely everyone is moving on with their lives. I’ve realised this before but it’s quite scary. I didn’t expect this to all happen so fast. I keep bumping into people I know and absolutely everyone is at uni. Everyone has started a new life now. No one cares about all the things they cared about in the summer. Like all the people who were connected because they all went to school and saw each other every day, are now completely separate. They all have their own friends and their own life at uni. And half the people have moved away, and are living and studying in a different city. And the people who are left, even though they’re still in the same city, are living completely different lives.
I didn’t realise how massive the difference is between 17 and 18 until now. Almost everyone is 18 and I am irrelevant to them. And all my friends who are still 16/17, they don’t understand. They still care about the stuff they cared about in the summer. I still care about it, even though I feel like I shouldn’t. I feel like I should be moving on as well. I just haven’t made any new friends yet.
And there’s all this stuff, part of the ‘new life’ that I can’t do. Coz I’m not 18 yet. No one cares about house parties when they can go to the club. No one wants to day drink in the park when they can get served in the pub.
What annoys me is that they all think they’re so cool and mature in this ‘new life’. But even though they don’t care about all the drama from school anymore, they care about the drama in uni. They’re still the same people, and they’re not better than me or better than how they were last year just because they’re living by themselves now.
(no subject)
Nov. 7th, 2024 06:05 pmWednesday, 6th November
Nov. 6th, 2024 04:23 pm(no subject)
Nov. 4th, 2024 11:15 amI knew this event was gonna be shit anyway.
Insane halloween
Nov. 1st, 2024 12:55 amHad the most fucking insane Halloween idk. I literally do NOT have time to write about it today as it is currently almost 1am and I am in my bed, I have to leave the house by 8.45 tomorrow morning, but before I do that I need to clear out my WHOLE ENTIRE ROOM because I’m away the weekend and the electricity people are coming on monday. So then I got a full day of college and then I’m going straight from there onto a train to Hebden bridge and am basically leaving the country for two days (ok well, leaving Scotland) I’m gonna be absolutely shattered, I still haven’t even packed my bag or anything.
I will write about my Halloween at some point tomorrow, maybe on the train to Hebden bridge, although I am travelling with Stella so I will probably have to be talking to her. I’m kind of not looking forward to travelling with Stella. I mean sure she’s my friend but she’s kinda annoying. Also, yk how I was saying how much I hate incompetent people, Stella is definitely not competent when it comes to travelling. She literally had to get me to book her train tickets for her. Also she gets sooo stressed out and it’s so annoying. I mean I’m someone who gets stressed out as well, I get very anxious around socialising, so obviously I understand her and I get that it’s not her fault. But even on the bus or the subway or something she’ll be stressed. She’s constantly like “is this our stop is this our stop are you sure this is not our stop I think we should ask the driver quick ask the driver if this is our stop” and it’s like, relax. Even if I tell her I’ve been on this bus thousands of times and I know the area super well. She also gets full blown panic attacks on the subway when it’s busy, but I think that’s just coz it’s an inclosed space.
It’s kinda sad now that my era of having Ais as a travel companion is over. Coz she lives in London now so obviously Im not gonna be travelling with her. I think she is a lot more competent than me when it comes to travelling, even though I’m not entirely incompetent. Basically she has kind of a know-it-all attitude which I think sometimes it can be kind of annoying, but when it comes to travelling it is very very helpful. I mean it’s not exactly know-it-all, it’s more sort of that she really wants to seem independent and competent and like she knows everything and knows exactly what she’s doing and has everything under control. Obviously as I’ve been her friend for a while now and I guess we’re pretty close I can see that that is just how she wants to be seen, she doesn’t actually know everything and has everything under control, but I guess I believed she did as well when I first started becoming friends with her again.
Anyway, when we would travel, often a lot of stuff would go wrong, like there’d be hours of delays or cancellations, one time it took us almost 17 hours to travel from Glasgow central to western-super-mare. But yeah I feel like it was never really stressful. Like we’d always figure it out. And I always believed that we would get there eventually because Aisling seemed so sure that we would, and that she was in control of the situation. And it was actually pretty fun and kind of an adventure.
And I’m someone who really does not have everything together, so sometimes I would be in a situation where it should have been stressful, for instance having like basically no money and only having train tickets on my phone that was broken and had no battery or charger, and having no clue where to go or what to do. But it never was actually that stressful, coz I’d just sort of go with it and always believed that I’d get there eventually, and I’d just follow Aisling who had everything under control. And sometimes I’d worry that I was annoying because of how incompetent I was but it never really was like that, coz I guess I’m competent in other ways. Anyway, I realise I’m really going to miss that. And it’s the end of an era in a way. I think I learnt a lot about friendship and independence, which sounds so fucking corny to say but it’s true.
And now Stella’s going to start coming with me. And I’m going to have to start being the competent one. Coz Stella’s a bit younger than me, and I’m a bit younger than Ais, I’m basically gonna have to take her place as the one who has it all under control.
The thing is, I am really laid back about travel, it’s one of the things that I’m not really gonna stress at, like sure I’ll get annoyed if a train is delayed or whatever, but it’s not the end of the world if I end up somewhere I don’t know. Like I can always ask someone or check a map or whatever. But yeah Stella gets so so stressed about these things. Also, and this is annoying, Stella believes, like I used to believe, that Aisling is really really competent and has everything under control, she basically idolises her, whilst I just see her as a friend and an equal. Stella however, does NOT believe that I am really competent and have everything under control. So even if I tell her something, or reassure her that something is under control, she’s not really gonna believe it the same way that she would believe Aisling.
I guess this is why I’m kind of not looking forward to having her as my travel companion. Like how am I meant to take Aisling’s place as the competent one if Stella doesn’t even trust I know what I’m doing. I just know that Stella’s gonna get so so stressed and think everything’s going wrong when it’s actually just completely fine she just doesn’t believe me.
(no subject)
Oct. 29th, 2024 07:36 pm(no subject)
Oct. 29th, 2024 06:40 pmMonday, 28th October
Oct. 28th, 2024 11:12 amLike I absolutely hate when people act like we’re too young to be doing what we’re doing or say omg child me would be so disappointed that I’m smoking a cigarette. I mean speak for yourself, child me thought that cigarette smokers were well cool. Not that I still think it’s cool. I guess it’s just something to do. It does look a bit cool though. Anyway I’m not talking about that. I’m just talking about how I guess that people grow up and it’s all natural and everyone goes through this and everyone has to try everything at some point. And I mean I’ve tried most stuff I guess and my friend, the one I’m talking about, has tried a lot of stuff as well and we both know about it and acknowledge it and we’ve known each other since we were little kids. I guess coke is just one that we both were very against, like even when we’ve been offered it in the past. So I kind of wish she’d told me when she first did, instead of having to find out later from someone else. It’s not like I would judge her or anything I mean I’m not like that, I’m not going to say anything that isn’t obviously a joke. I just find it weird. And I guess it’s just another step closer towards being an adult, or being like those people who we said we’d never be like. Anyway I wish she would tell me more stuff coz I feel like we’ve been drifting apart since she left for uni, and now I don’t have anyone still here in Scotland who I have these same kind of shared experiences with, and who see this kind of stuff in the same way.
Thursday, 19th September
Oct. 26th, 2024 10:55 amI feel like I’ve never properly processed everything with theo. Even though it was ages ago, it was still really bad. So it was lockdown and we could barely interact with anyone so the only family we ended up hanging out with was his and because of that we ended up getting really really really close. When I reread the letters I realised it was actually kinda scary how close we were. I never will let myself get that close with anyone again. There was nothing we didnt tell each other, mental health, self harm, suicidal thoughts, every time we were upset, any time there was anything happening. We listening to the same music as well, really really sad music that we would absorb the lyrics as though they were our thoughts and send to each other whenever they reflected out situation. His mum started reading his messages so we started writing letters to each other. Really really intense letters. He threatened to kill himself many times. I cried every time I read one and every time I wrote one back. I was the only one who knew that he was going to kill himself. I was basically his only friend. I was regularly waking up crying with my heart thumping in my chest, scared that he had done it. I had started cutting, a habit that got worse and worse as the stress continued. If he killed himself it would be my fault. I was the only one who knew. It made me constantly sick with worry. I wanted to tell someone but I knew it would only make things worse. I wrote him letters begging him to talk to somebody, somebody other than me, someone who was not a thirteen year old kid who was also struggling mentally. We saw each other every day and watched the seasons change together, getting closer and closer. By autumn 2020 the leaves had started to change. We’d meet up practically every day, sneaking out of the house at all hours to meet, to just sit in the park, to listen to our sad music, to go on walks by the river. It had started getting darker early and the air was colder so we would end up very close to preserve our body heat. It wasnt weird at all coz we were so so close, we were basically the same person, his pain was my pain, my pain was his pain.
One cold monday evening he messaged saying to meet for a walk, he had two things that he wanted to tell me. I made an excuse and left the house. We met by the coop and went for a walk in the park. It was so dark I couldn’t see his face as he talked. He told me about when he was SA’d by a classmate when he was younger and that he was thinking about it more and more, and that he kept getting flashbacks. I didnt know what to say so I just listened. I thought I shouldve hugged him or something but we were walking too fast. Then he told me the second thing. I still remember where we were when he told me, the hill in kg going down to the gate on gibson street. It was pitch black, the air was frosty, my fingers and nose were numb and my eyes watering. We were walking pretty close to each other, my heart was beating. I didnt expect it at all when he said it though. “I think, no I know, that I like you. Like LIKE like you”. I don’t remember what I replied. I don’t remember what I was thinking. I remember I kept thinking that I should hug him but I just didnt. I obviously didnt like him back, and he knew I didnt as well, but it just gave me more responsibility. I was soley responsible for his life, I was also his sole reason to keep living apparently. I think I was confused. I didnt understand how he liked me, I’m not that great am I? I think I was a bit glad as well, no one had ever said that they’d liked me before at that point in time, and well I kinda had thought that I was just unlovable.
It was after that night that he wrote me that first letter. That was when he first told me, properly told me, that he wanted to end his life.