Drinkers unironically make me sick. Drunk people are so so annoying and I don’t find it cool, any of it. I don’t find jokes about how much people love drinking funny. Sometimes when I’m with people who are drunk or drinking I’ll have a moment of realisation and I suddenly look at them with complete disgust and loathing. I don’t think I really like drinking anymore at all. I’ve only drank enough to get drunk once or twice in the last six months. It’s just kind of horrible and disgusting. It tastes disgusting and the thought of someone just drinking and drinking makes me feel disgusted. Also drunk people act really stupid, they’re either loud and annoying or they’re stubborn or they’re angry or they’re all at the same time. It’s also kind of scary how angry drunk people can get. And violent. And the fact that it can kill you and no one seems to care. Like it can kill you pretty quick, it’s not like smoking, if you drink enough in one sitting you’re dead. The other week I kept seeing the same guy sitting on the same bench in garnethill park on my lunch breaks and after college. And he was just sitting alone and he had a carrier bag full of beer and he was just drinking them one after the other, and occasionally he’d shout random things and random people who walked past. It just made me feel pretty disgusted and pretty sorry for him. I also think about my dad and feel pretty disgusted and sorry for him as well. I just remember the last few months when he lived with us, which was probably the worst few months of it. It’s just all he would do. He only worked for like 6 hours four days a week, and literally all he did anytime he wasn’t working was go to the pub or sit at home by himself and drink. I remember in the evenings I’d come into the room he’d just be sitting there on his phone or something with a red face and a glass full of probably straight liquor. Coz I could smell it, even though he tried to hide it. Whenever I was looking around I’d see multiple empty bottles, not even beer or anything just spirits and hard liquor. And like when I saw that, or I guess when I saw that it was hidden I just felt really really disgusted. Like this is an adult man, he’s in his 60s. I’m 17, I should be the one hiding that I drink from him, not the other way round. But obviously I don’t need to hide bottles because I hardly drink and he doesn’t care anyway. That night my sister almost overdosed on mdma when she had literally just turned 15 he was literally in the house as well but obviously he didn’t care because he didn’t know because he was drinking. My mum was at work late to get him money so he could leave, my sister was out late doing class A’s, I had to cook the tea and put my little brothers to bed, and my dad just sat in his room, on his phone, drinking. He didn’t even notice when I went out to collect her from the bus stop at like 11pm. It just made me really scared and really disgusted by him, by someone who’s meant to be responsible for me but instead I’m literally responsible for everyone. Anyway yeah. And obviously I had to deal with it all myself and not tell anyone because I didn’t want to tell my mum because she was already in quite a stressful situation and I knew she’d feel like a massive failure of a parent if she knew what my sister had been doing, and she’d probably treat it as much more of a big deal than it is. And it’s kind of embarrassing to tell your friends these kinds of things. Well I told some of them a bit. Anyway, even though this particular situation, and probably several others are ones that no one else is aware of, as in my mum was out and my dad was drunk so neither of them knew what I had to deal with. Or nights where I had to cook the food and put my brothers to bed even though my dad was in the house and he probably doesn’t remember and he probably doesn’t care and probably no one really thinks it was a big deal for me. And obviously I don’t mind looking after my brothers or whatever and it isn’t really a big deal. But just when it’s every night and no one seems to care and I feel absolutely responsible for absolutely everyone and I feel absolutely completely alone and even though I’m looking after them no one is looking after me even though that’s really stupid like I’m almost an adult I shouldn’t need reminding to eat or whatever but obviously when I kind of stopped in the summer no one really noticed because no one was around or anything and it made me feel really scared and also my sister was out late every night doing dodgey stuff or whatever and she didn’t seem to know or care that she was stressing me out because I was the only one who knew what she was doing and I obviously didn’t want her to die. And during this whole time I kind of isolated myself from my friends and every day I’d get up really late because I wouldn’t want to leave my room if my dad was in the house so I would also avoid the kitchen because that’s where he usually was so I wouldn’t eat or do anything and I kind of unintentionally lost 5kg during that time. And then every single day no matter the time, the moment I managed to leave the house I’d go smoke. And I guess this is kind of cringey but it was kind of an escape for me. So I’d constantly spend all my time high, avoiding absolutely everyone I know, feeling really responsible and really scared and feeling like nothing is real. And to be honest that whole time period is kind of just one big scary blur. Basically it was a really really weird time. Between mid april and late July of 2024. 

 Absolutely everyone is moving on with their lives. I’ve realised this before but it’s quite scary. I didn’t expect this to all happen so fast. I keep bumping into people I know and absolutely everyone is at uni. Everyone has started a new life now. No one cares about all the things they cared about in the summer. Like all the people who were connected because they all went to school and saw each other every day, are now completely separate. They all have their own friends and their own life at uni. And half the people have moved away, and are living and studying in a different city. And the people who are left, even though they’re still in the same city, are living completely different lives.
I didn’t realise how massive the difference is between 17 and 18 until now. Almost everyone is 18 and I am irrelevant to them. And all my friends who are still 16/17, they don’t understand. They still care about the stuff they cared about in the summer. I still care about it, even though I feel like I shouldn’t. I feel like I should be moving on as well. I just haven’t made any new friends yet.
And there’s all this stuff, part of the ‘new life’ that I can’t do. Coz I’m not 18 yet. No one cares about house parties when they can go to the club. No one wants to day drink in the park when they can get served in the pub.
What annoys me is that they all think they’re so cool and mature in this ‘new life’. But even though they don’t care about all the drama from school anymore, they care about the drama in uni. They’re still the same people, and they’re not better than me or better than how they were last year just because they’re living by themselves now.

 I cannot stand students, with their stupid outfits and their stupid alcohol bottle collections and their stupid cardboard cut outs in their windows. Lifes just a big joke to them.
 Feel absolutely exhausted and so fed up with everyone. Any time anyone does anything I feel annoyed. 
 I’m really really not a good friend. All I care about is myself and what I want to do. Like what I really really didn’t want to do was have to spend what could have been a chill fun night comforting aisling while she was crying and saying stuff. Because basically I feel so so awkward comforting people coz what am I even meant to do. Also she would have been saying that she was so confused why this was happening and that it came out of nowhere and stuff, and obviously I would have to agree with her because thats literally just what you’re meant to do coz we’re obviously friends so that’s obviously what I should’ve just done. 

I knew this event was gonna be shit anyway. 

 Fuck fuck fuuuuck I knww this would happen

Annoying

Nov. 2nd, 2024 03:07 pm
 I’m really struggling to eat recently, and it’s not like the summer where I could just have a packet of crisps and be fine all day, for some reason it’s now really starting to affect me. Like I’ve not been able to get through more than half a piece of toast all day today and it’s 3pm and I’ve almost passed out like twice. It’s fine though coz no one really notices and I just sit down or have some water until I’m fine again. I just hate it though, like the less I eat the less I want to eat. I wish my body would literally just function normally. Like at this point it’s not like I’m trying not to eat, it’s just the thought of food doesn’t seem very appetising to me and when I imagine myself eating anything it just doesn’t feel like something I want to be doing. I just really really don’t want to pass out here in front of everyone coz that would just be so so embarrassing

Had the most fucking insane Halloween idk. I literally do NOT have time to write about it today as it is currently almost 1am and I am in my bed, I have to leave the house by 8.45 tomorrow morning, but before I do that I need to clear out my WHOLE ENTIRE ROOM because I’m away the weekend and the electricity people are coming on monday. So then I got a full day of college and then I’m going straight from there onto a train to Hebden bridge and am basically leaving the country for two days (ok well, leaving Scotland) I’m gonna be absolutely shattered, I still haven’t even packed my bag or anything.
I will write about my Halloween at some point tomorrow, maybe on the train to Hebden bridge, although I am travelling with Stella so I will probably have to be talking to her. I’m kind of not looking forward to travelling with Stella. I mean sure she’s my friend but she’s kinda annoying. Also, yk how I was saying how much I hate incompetent people, Stella is definitely not competent when it comes to travelling. She literally had to get me to book her train tickets for her. Also she gets sooo stressed out and it’s so annoying. I mean I’m someone who gets stressed out as well, I get very anxious around socialising, so obviously I understand her and I get that it’s not her fault. But even on the bus or the subway or something she’ll be stressed. She’s constantly like “is this our stop is this our stop are you sure this is not our stop I think we should ask the driver quick ask the driver if this is our stop” and it’s like, relax. Even if I tell her I’ve been on this bus thousands of times and I know the area super well. She also gets full blown panic attacks on the subway when it’s busy, but I think that’s just coz it’s an inclosed space. 
It’s kinda sad now that my era of having Ais as a travel companion is over. Coz she lives in London now so obviously Im not gonna be travelling with her. I think she is a lot more competent than me when it comes to travelling, even though I’m not entirely incompetent. Basically she has kind of a know-it-all attitude which I think sometimes it can be kind of annoying, but when it comes to travelling it is very very helpful. I mean it’s not exactly know-it-all, it’s more sort of that she really wants to seem independent and competent and like she knows everything and knows exactly what she’s doing and has everything under control. Obviously as I’ve been her friend for a while now and I guess we’re pretty close I can see that that is just how she wants to be seen, she doesn’t actually know everything and has everything under control, but I guess I believed she did as well when I first started becoming friends with her again.
Anyway, when we would travel, often a lot of stuff would go wrong, like there’d be hours of delays or cancellations, one time it took us almost 17 hours to travel from Glasgow central to western-super-mare. But yeah I feel like it was never really stressful. Like we’d always figure it out. And I always believed that we would get there eventually because Aisling seemed so sure that we would, and that she was in control of the situation. And it was actually pretty fun and kind of an adventure. 
And I’m someone who really does not have everything together, so sometimes I would be in a situation where it should have been stressful, for instance having like basically no money and only having train tickets on my phone that was broken and had no battery or charger, and having no clue where to go or what to do. But it never was actually that stressful, coz I’d just sort of go with it and always believed that I’d get there eventually, and I’d just follow Aisling who had everything under control. And sometimes I’d worry that I was annoying because of how incompetent I was but it never really was like that, coz I guess I’m competent in other ways. Anyway, I realise I’m really going to miss that. And it’s the end of an era in a way. I think I learnt a lot about friendship and independence, which sounds so fucking corny to say but it’s true. 
And now Stella’s going to start coming with me. And I’m going to have to start being the competent one. Coz Stella’s a bit younger than me, and I’m a bit younger than Ais, I’m basically gonna have to take her place as the one who has it all under control. 
The thing is, I am really laid back about travel, it’s one of the things that I’m not really gonna stress at, like sure I’ll get annoyed if a train is delayed or whatever, but it’s not the end of the world if I end up somewhere I don’t know. Like I can always ask someone or check a map or whatever. But yeah Stella gets so so stressed about these things. Also, and this is annoying, Stella believes, like I used to believe, that Aisling is really really competent and has everything under control, she basically idolises her, whilst I just see her as a friend and an equal. Stella however, does NOT believe that I am really competent and have everything under control. So even if I tell her something, or reassure her that something is under control, she’s not really gonna believe it the same way that she would believe Aisling. 
I guess this is why I’m kind of not looking forward to having her as my travel companion. Like how am I meant to take Aisling’s place as the competent one if Stella doesn’t even trust I know what I’m doing. I just know that Stella’s gonna get so so stressed and think everything’s going wrong when it’s actually just completely fine she just doesn’t believe me. 
 

 I despise incompetent people, and I despise myself when I can’t do anything. In my head I’m not incompetent. Because in my head I know exactly what needs to be done and how to go about doing it. I know that if I do something, with just a little effort I can do it well. I just sometimes can’t. Like I can’t make myself or I can’t be bothered. Or I’ll forget. When I am around incompetent people I tend to take charge. I don’t like doing this, which is probably why I don’t like incompetent people. Maybe it is because I am the oldest of four, so I have to take care of incompetent people all the time because they’re actually children and if I don’t do it, it just won’t get done. I like being around people who have their shit together because it makes me feel safe. I like when I am not in control of a situation because there is someone, or some people who are in control of it, because they know more than me and can do stuff better than me. I’m not saying that I would just like to be lazy and sit back and let other people do everything for me. I like to do stuff and I like to be able to participate and contribute, I just prefer to not be in charge. I guess it’s less stress, because if something goes wrong it’s not gonna be my fault, and I don’t have to make important decisions because I hate making important decisions. Or any decisions for that matter. 
 One annoying thing about Aisling is that she lies quite a lot. To seem cooler or something. But the thing is, I wouldn’t even notice if I didn’t know her super well. And most of the time I don’t even know that she’s lying, until months later when she says something that contradicts what she’s said in the past. I don’t know why she does this. I don’t even know if she’s noticed that I notice that she does this. Every time I’ve tried to confront her about it she just denies it like I’ve said something stupid, or pretends like she never even said it in the first place. And I just leave it coz I don’t want to annoy her and nothing she lies about is really that serious or anything. Usually it’s about something that she’s done or something, but like, every time the story changes and she acts like that was the original story. Sometimes she’ll say something that she’s said to me months ago to someone else but she’ll change what happened and then I’ll bring it up and she’ll act like I’m stupid, and then the other person probably thinks I’m stupid as well. Or like she’ll say that she’s never done something and then in front of someone else she’ll say oh yeah I did that like last year, even though she said she never did it like last month. I dunno it’s kind of hard to explain, and it’s kind of hard to prove and it really really annoys me. 
 I guess it’s weird with friends you’ve known for a long long time when they suddenly start doing things you both said you’d never ever do. I mean it’s not like I’m not guilty of doing stuff I promised I would never do as a kid. Because obviously people change and people grow up and I feel like in most instances it’s not really that deep. 

Like I absolutely hate when people act like we’re too young to be doing what we’re doing or say omg child me would be so disappointed that I’m smoking a cigarette. I mean speak for yourself, child me thought that cigarette smokers were well cool. Not that I still think it’s cool. I guess it’s just something to do. It does look a bit cool though. Anyway I’m not talking about that. I’m just talking about how I guess that people grow up and it’s all natural and everyone goes through this and everyone has to try everything at some point. And I mean I’ve tried most stuff I guess and my friend, the one I’m talking about, has tried a lot of stuff as well and we both know about it and acknowledge it and we’ve known each other since we were little kids. I guess coke is just one that we both were very against, like even when we’ve been offered it in the past. So I kind of wish she’d told me when she first did, instead of having to find out later from someone else. It’s not like I would judge her or anything I mean I’m not like that, I’m not going to say anything that isn’t obviously a joke. I just find it weird. And I guess it’s just another step closer towards being an adult, or being like those people who we said we’d never be like. Anyway I wish she would tell me more stuff coz I feel like we’ve been drifting apart since she left for uni, and now I don’t have anyone still here in Scotland who I have these same kind of shared experiences with, and who see this kind of stuff in the same way. 

 I’m not fine. If I was fine I would be able to function sober every day. Just because its only to help me sleep doesnt mean it doesnt count. I havent tidied my room in months. Rotten food, clothes, books pile up. Nothing that I said would be done is done. Yes I’m going out and doing stuff, yes I’m being productive and working through stuff in counseling. But I never let myself be. I never let myself sit with myself. Tidy my space, sit in my silence, sober with my thoughts. I haven’t properly journaled in forever, despite always saying that I will. Nothing I personally want to do is getting done. Sure I make sure my external responsibilities are furfilled but I am completely neglecting my own personal goals as well as personal hygiene and health. I had only one actual meal today. I need to let myself be sober at home. I need to sort it out. Im regressing, listening to music from when I was 13/14, rereading old letters, romanticising the worst years of my life, while everyone else moves on with theirs. 

I feel like I’ve never properly processed everything with theo. Even though it was ages ago, it was still really bad. So it was lockdown and we could barely interact with anyone so the only family we ended up hanging out with was his and because of that we ended up getting really really really close. When I reread the letters I realised it was actually kinda scary how close we were. I never will let myself get that close with anyone again. There was nothing we didnt tell each other, mental health, self harm, suicidal thoughts, every time we were upset, any time there was anything happening. We listening to the same music as well, really really sad music that we would absorb the lyrics as though they were our thoughts and send to each other whenever they reflected out situation. His mum started reading his messages so we started writing letters to each other. Really really intense letters. He threatened to kill himself many times. I cried every time I read one and every time I wrote one back. I was the only one who knew that he was going to kill himself. I was basically his only friend. I was regularly waking up crying with my heart thumping in my chest, scared that he had done it. I had started cutting, a habit that got worse and worse as the stress continued. If he killed himself it would be my fault. I was the only one who knew. It made me constantly sick with worry. I wanted to tell someone but I knew it would only make things worse. I wrote him letters begging him to talk to somebody, somebody other than me, someone who was not a thirteen year old kid who was also struggling mentally. We saw each other every day and watched the seasons change together, getting closer and closer. By autumn 2020 the leaves had started to change. We’d meet up practically every day, sneaking out of the house at all hours to meet, to just sit in the park, to listen to our sad music, to go on walks by the river. It had started getting darker early and the air was colder so we would end up very close to preserve our body heat. It wasnt weird at all coz we were so so close, we were basically the same person, his pain was my pain, my pain was his pain. 

One cold monday evening he messaged saying to meet for a walk, he had two things that he wanted to tell me. I made an excuse and left the house. We met by the coop and went for a walk in the park. It was so dark I couldn’t see his face as he talked. He told me about when he was SA’d by a classmate when he was younger and that he was thinking about it more and more, and that he kept getting flashbacks. I didnt know what to say so I just listened. I thought I shouldve hugged him or something but we were walking too fast. Then he told me the second thing. I still remember where we were when he told me, the hill in kg going down to the gate on gibson street. It was pitch black, the air was frosty, my fingers and nose were numb and my eyes watering. We were walking pretty close to each other, my heart was beating. I didnt expect it at all when he said it though. “I think, no I know, that I like you. Like LIKE like you”. I don’t remember what I replied. I don’t remember what I was thinking. I remember I kept thinking that I should hug him but I just didnt. I obviously didnt like him back, and he knew I didnt as well, but it just gave me more responsibility. I was soley responsible for his life, I was also his sole reason to keep living apparently. I think I was confused. I didnt understand how he liked me, I’m not that great am I? I think I was a bit glad as well, no one had ever said that they’d liked me before at that point in time, and well I kinda had thought that I was just unlovable. 

It was after that night that he wrote me that first letter. That was when he first told me, properly told me, that he wanted to end his life.

 I hate hate hate the hivemind. They’ve got to be one of the most annoying groups of people in the world. Its almost painful to hang out with them. It takes so much effors

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